And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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