Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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