She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
