I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
