God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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