I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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