the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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