i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
