Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
