I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
