Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
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I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Less talking, more tequila
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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