I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
