I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
