how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
