I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
