Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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