He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
please come you make the beer taste better
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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