the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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