I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
