she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers