Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!