Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
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You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
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You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.