I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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