The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
