just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
