My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
