i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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