I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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