Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
