In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
