The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Kiss
Puke
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
