I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
