But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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