so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
