I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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