just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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