tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
