She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
