Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
