I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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