Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize