i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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