I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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