Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
