Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
