i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
