no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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