Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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