I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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