dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
