He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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