We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
