Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So much Jack, so little girl.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
