I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
