no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
