Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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