Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
