I got chris browned last night
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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