The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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