Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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