I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
