nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
