hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
